Letters of Annoyance

A Letter of Annoyance
to
The Emily Chesley Reading Circle

October 11, 2003

Dear Sirs,

It is with no small amount of consternation that I call your attention to a significant occurrence, one that is receiving precious little notice. Understandably it is ignored by many because of its relatively slow progress but its potential impact is one of national devastation. I refer you to the insidious phenomenon known as Continental Drift.

Consider the ramifications. Our country with its proud European tradition, slowly but inexorably distanced from the very homeland that fostered it. Isolated from our heritage we find ourselves slowly meandering westward, doomed to wash ashore on some remote Asian beach. Who knows what fate awaits us when they discover the carcass of Canada: Will we be cut into manageable pieces and carted off or simply left to decompose? I shudder. Our citizens of Asian descent face a no less frightening prospect. They, who have come to this country to avail themselves of its many opportunities, find that this Continental Drift is returning them to the very place they sought to escape. The skids have been greased.

And what of time zones? Are we to stand about helplessly while the noble contribution of Sir Sandford Fleming is mocked by these diabolical plate tectonics. When Saskatchewan moves into the Mountain Time Zone, will it be forced to adopt Daylight Savings Time (Denare Beach and Creighton excepted)? The list of humiliations to be visited on our great country goes on:

• The lucrative Asian routes of Air Canada slowly withering as more people elect to drive. The result could be the death of our cherished national airline.
• The low fares to Manchester similarly being driven up to the point where holidayers from the continent will simply stop coming. It could mean the end of Niagara Falls as a viable community.
• Dozens of geography textbooks becoming even less relevant, vying with old globes to fill our dwindling, churning, westward-bound landfills
• The fuel required to mobilize our armed forces becoming prohibitively expensive as the Balkan and Middle Eastern theatres grow ever further distant. It is conceivable that we could actually find ourselves unable to meet our defence obligations.

Quite simply it is clear that we cannot stand idly by. It's time to draw a line in the sand and hope it stays where we put it. I call upon my fellow Canadians to exhibit the spirit that put Canada in the top two thirds of countries based on turnout for parliamentary elections. Let us show the character that makes Canada the first choice of passport-seeking Mossad agents the world over. With a unified effort we can hold a referendum and defeat this looming threat. Vote NO to Continental Drift.

Sincerely

Maxwell Silverhammer