The Pornograph,
circa 1855
If nothing else, the ill-starred expedition
to Peak XV gave Michael Flannigan
further insight into the loin-burning needs of Mankind. Indeed,
after months of putrid proximity to the foul-smelling mountaineer
Gunter Gruntz, Flannigan returned from the windswept Tibetan plains
brimming with. insight.
 |
| Sketch by Gunter Gruntz of Flannigan's desk
with the Pornograph. |
Yearning for contact with soft womanly cheeks
to replace what he hoped were simply dreams featuring the Tyrolean's
prickly jowls, and eager to check on sales of his Phanerogam
Rendering Tube, he rushed back to London. To his dismay, Flannigan
found neither love nor money.
Instead, Michael Flannigan found himself
the target of a class-action suit from dissatisfied Phanerogam aficionados.
Not only had sales of the Phanerogam Rendering Tube dropped off
from their initially swollen levels, so had several gentlemen's
coital apparatus. Recognizing both the continuing opportunity to
service the solitary sensual satisfaction market and the desperate
necessity of raising some ready cash to fight the lawsuit, Flannigan
set his ingenious mind to work developing a new carnal contraption:
the Pornograph. (1)
Flannigan's genius in the Pornograph
was in the realization that people would enjoy listening to familiar
sounds -- family, fun and fornication -- again and again. His initial
design was breathtakingly simple, involving only a simple cord wrapped
around a cylinder. The cord, with beads of varying sizes and textures
attached, was unrolled through a narrow aperture and against a firm
plectrum. The resulting twangs, thwacks and sproings -- sounds processed
by the human auditory process as recognizable words, grunts and
heavy breathing -- were amplified through an industrial-sized brass
ear-trumpet. After the cord reached its full extension, the rolling
process was reversed and the cord was rewound, and could then be
unrolled once again.(2)
In an effort both to reduce the weight
of the device and to provide a container for post-copulation libations,
Flannigan subsequently hollowed out the Pornograph's main cylinder.
This multi-purpose component was from that point referred to as
Flannigan's Swillinder. (3)
Unsurprisingly, the most requested noise
sequences for the titillating new gadget were sexually explicit
in nature. Flannigan recognized that the long-term potential of
the Pornograph lay not only in delivery of these sounds to the horny-of-hearing,
but also in ownership of content. (4)
Despite Flannigan's cutting-edge technology
and visionary approach, the anticipated broad appeal did not materialize
in London in the face of stiff competition from the capital's brothels,
prostitutes and pleasure-boys. However, the Pornograph was amazingly
successful in England's nether regions, meeting the conflicting
needs of under-serviced men and their over-wrought wives in true
Flannigan fashion.
 |
| Prototype with notes: Flannigan opted
for a barrel before finally sinking extra money into the large
brass ear trumpet, known affectionately as "Flannigan's
Flower". |
In the depths of the English country night,
in barns and byres throughout that green and pleasant land, a multitude
of sounds were heard. (5) The Pornograph
would pa-doink, the men would moan, and the women would wheeze as
they powered the device that emancipated them from sexual slavery.
(6)
The scintillating noises provided by
dint of Flannigan's genius created an atmosphere of steamy sexuality
in which the hearty fellows of the field would cavort exotically
with their farm animals, enjoying the companionship of cows, the
passion of pigs, and the hospitality of horses. It is indeterminate
whether these domesticated creatures objected to their lot in love,
and it is uncertain whether the farmers considered themselves to
be engaging in animal prostitution. (7)
Scholars have not reached consensus
as to whether Michael Flannigan's Pornograph had a lengthy tenure,
but it is certain that it was briefly all the rage in the verdant
fields of rural England. Further, evidence suggests that the passion
of the time for the jolly pastime of sheep-snogging and pig-frigging
continued unabated for Flannigan's lifetime. (8)
Sadly, Michael Flannigan never reaped
the financial harvest from the Pornograph. After spending years
recouping capital costs, Flannigan traveled to Menlo Park, California
en route to the US patent office. Having stopped off for a refreshing
bevy at the local suds and ice cream parlour, the inventor was engaged
in conversation and plied with malt liquor and fudge sundaes by
a precocious boy who never introduced himself. When Flannigan awoke
in the muddy embrace of a road-side ditch, the precocious boy was
gone, and his invention was already on its way to being patented
in the United States.
It was just the latest in a series of
misfortunes for one of history's most agile minds.
--"Scholarship" by the Flyboy
Notes:
1. This episode, also
known as the Dangler Disaster, was also the inspiration for Flannigan's
development later purloined by major credit card companies: body
part insurance. [ back]
2. Prior to automation,
this process was referred to as cording and re-cording. [ back] 3. This stunning innovation
may have been the genesis of the compliment, "he's an absolute
Beerstein," which was in common use among scientists and engineers
prior to the sudden fame of some German guy with a theory about
high-velocity cousins. [ back] 4. This far-seeing
observation resulted in Flannigan enlisting the aid of his talented
and lusty niece, Emily Chesley, to develop material for the Pornograph.
[ back] 5. This was generally
true; however, on one unfortunate night in East Sussex, due to high
cord friction and a lot of dry straw, the byre in question burned
to the ground. The only sound that night was the plaintive cry "Fire
in the byre!" [ back] 6. Tired from toiling
in the fields all day while their husbands strode around in wellington
boots and said things like "What ho!" and "By Jove,"
these women infinitely preferred to provide the human horsepower
for the Pornograph rather than engaging in unwanted shaggery. [ back] 7. Interestingly,
the farmers pioneered an innovative practice of lending their animals
to their neighbours for short periods, in order that none should
grow tired of engaging in relations with the same old animal. The
only formal rule in this informal system known as "day trading"
was that each farmer's animals should be returned to their respective
manger each night. [ back]
8. Perhaps the greatest indication of the societal
prominence of the animal-loving craze was the selection by a Gaelic
band searching for a good name of the immortal moniker "Sheep
Trick." [back]
|
