Flannigan's Follicle Restorer (circa. 1877)

Though Michael Flannigan himself was not affected by hair loss until shortly before his demise, (1) he did feel for his comrades and their male pattern baldness. It had been recently and scientifically established that guano (the fecal output of sea birds) was an excellent fertilizer, and so Flannigan sought to apply the laudable growing properties of guano to the hair-loss problem.

But how to apply the remedy in a way that was not only efficacious, but stylish as well? Enter Flannigan's Follicle Restorer, a hat that also served as a cage for up to three budgies. All the fuzz-deficient man need to do was feed and water his avian saviour, and nature would do the rest of its good work.

Having come up with the idea before leaving Unity, Sask. in a hurry (2), Flannigan had to hold off on the invention until he and the young Emily found their way to Winnipeg. It was in the forehead-rich Exchange District that Flannigan made a small fortune selling his Follicle Restorers to the affluent -- and coiffe-challenged -- grain merchants of Manitoba. Apparently baldness had reached epidemic proportions at the confluence of the Red and Assiniboine Rivers, and Flannigan notes in his ledger that he sold fully 300 units within a month of producing them.

However, like many of his creations, the Follicle Restorer turned against its inventor. Flannigan had failed to account for the highly reactive nature of the phosphorus in his remedy, and by the end of a full six-week treatment, most of his customers' heads were not only covered with bird shit, but also an assortment of ulcers, sores, and in one case, a full-blown case of cranial itch that caused the victim to insert his head into the cavity of the nearest bovine that would contain his head.(3) Despite his protestations that "the tingle means it's working", more than 300 of Winnipeg's leading citizens (stinking of budgie bung and stinging from the burn) soon wanted Flannigan's head for their own experimental "skull caving and crushing device".

Local Barrister & Solicitor, Cav E. Tempor, who had purchased his Follicle Restorer in the vain hopes of replacing his bad comb-over with a full head of hair, organized first a lynch mob, and then finding Flannigan already headed east, a class-action suit. As was his habit, Flannigan had wisely left no forwarding address.

--"Scholarship" by The Squire

Notes:

(1) According to the coroner's report, Flannigan experienced a "catastrophic nasal hair loss" while testing his experimental and highly misguided, "Nostril-Stretching and Hair Removal Device". [back]

(2) We can say, however, that precipitous departure was not caused by a Flannigan invention in this case, and rather, a serious case of thong envy directed against the young Emily Chesley, Flannigan's "niece" and ward. [back]

(3) Later, Emily would compose a haunting Gaelic haiku about this incident, called "Fyre in the Byre". [back]