The Meaningless Slaughter of the Light Brigade
By William Thudworth
St. John-Smith.
Now gather around children,
Don't be afraid
To hear a great tale
Of bold plans unmade
And the meaningless slaughter of the Light Brigade
This is a simple story
Not a rant or tirade
About 673 men
Both bold and unafraid
Who were unfortunately attached to that Light Brigade
At the Battle of Balaclava
Our story is played
When some movement was noticed
On the Slav's barricade
The call went out to the fine Light Brigade
It was Lord Raglan's order
That Captain Nolan relayed
To tell Lord Cardigan
Not to be delayed
"Move forward with haste the great Light Brigade"
"Where are we to charge?"
Cardigan asked quite dismayed
"What direction do we take?
What plans have been made?
Where do I point my fighting Light Brigade?"
"There! You dumb git!"
Nolan's scorn was conveyed
"There are your guns
They are plainly displayed!
M'Lord, you must advance the brave Light Brigade"
But Nolan pointed the wrong way
Because his horse had sashayed
Cardigan should have realized
But instead he obeyed
And thus sealed was the fate of the Light Brigade
What a fine sight they were
What a splendid parade
Men in fury hats
Polished brass and brocade
Doomed was the fine wardrobe of the Light Brigade.
For they were soon to find
That cannon balls are made
Of stuff somewhat sturdier
Than jackets of suede
Those poor proud bastards in the Light Brigade
"Charge men!" shouted Cardigan
And they all hoorayed
For they were ignorant of the fact
That just ahead were arrayed
A hundred cannon pointed at the Light Brigade.
At a gallop they rode
The valley ahead they did invade
The Russian gunners saw them coming
They weren't the least bit afraid
They would make short work of the Light Brigade.
Beautiful and terrible was the charge
Order and perfection was portrayed
Then it all got really messy
With the first Russian cannonade
It was the beginning of the end of the Light Brigade.
Some men screamed defiance
But mostly they preyed
As they were blown apart by shot
And some by grenade
A bloody mess was being made of the Light Brigade
Young Michael was pierced
Poor Johnny was pureed
Old Winston lost his head
And Nigel was souffléed
'Twas not a good day for the Light Brigade
Corporal Nigitt was split
His innards were splayed
Swithins too was gutted
And Lockner was spayed.
They rued the day they joined the Light Brigade.
Smithers lost his way
When his mount's head was waylaid
Carson's cranium was opened
And the contents were sprayed
These are but a few losses of the Light Brigade.
For 400 or more did fall
Under that Russian cannonade
A few made it across
But none could have stayed
And retreat was called for the Light Brigade.
A hundred or so made it back
But most behind stayed
As scattered bits and pieces
Where the charge they had made
And that was about it for the Light Brigade.
Damn Cardigan, and Raglan
Nolan Too Be Flayed
For their blind obedience
And there loyalties mislaid
To so misuse the mighty Light Brigade.
Now gather around children,
As the first stanza is replayed
You've heard a great tale
Of bold plans unmade
And the meaningless slaughter of the Light Brigade
