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05/06/2005:
"The trouble with monkeys"

Both a good monkey & a bad monkey beat in the heart of every human.

I think that's what makes the religious right so nervous about the "theory" of evolution. They just have to look around and see that our simian ancestry is just under the surface. For example, in Shimla, the capital of Himachal Pradesh, India, they have a serious monkey problem.

The cuddly critters were originally introduced to the city to entertain British ladies and their children during British rule. (Damned those Brits!) They are less amusing now, unless you live half a world a way.

It seems that evolution has been at work, and the monkeys have lost their fear of humans. And what happens then? Well, let's just say downtown Shimla has a monkey crime wave, and the simian rap sheet includes such heinous acts as:

• larceny
• child biting
• tourist mugging
• vandalism
• drunken "sprees".

I don't know. Sounds pretty human to me. Especially the drunken sprees -- given their violent bent, my guess is they're drinking a potent combination of Red Bull and rahkshi.

On the other hand, Dr. Sue Savage-Rumbaugh, a scientitian in Iowa, is teaching bonobos to speak, and she hopes, create music and art.

So there's our nice side. (Except for "Flower" who has already found an agent and publicist, that bitch.)

Meanwhile, a couple states away, some humans are devolving. At the very least they are rehashing the Scopes Monkey Trial; the State Board of Education is examining whether it should continue to teach evolution as a key scientific concept. Of course this is even more disturbing because it's the Theory of Evolution being made fun of, not creationism, as it was 80 years ago.

Scientitians and other modernists need to go ape-shit over this silliness. However, I think we should start with accepting that we cannot teach dumbasses the nuances of scientific language, and re-label the key ideas. I'd like to propose that henceforth, scientific theories be called scientific systems or systematic laws. Something that can't be bent easily in a ten-second sound bite.

Another option: instead of sterilizing the monkeys in Shimla, they should import them to Kansas for the hearings, so the doubters of evolution can see it in action, as a gang of angry, drunken rhesus monkeys bite Pat Robertson right under his Bible belt.

Simian Links:
Monkeys of Shimla | Beautiful Bonobos | Kansas Dumbasses | Scientific language | WTF Is Rahkshi?

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