about mark | fiction | contact[Previous entry: "Tell us about ze monkeys Steve"] [Main Index] [Next entry: "Toadus Carnivalus"]
Once upon a time a masochistic girl lived near an enchanted pond, where the toads exploded and cannibals ate rice.
According to researchers in Britain, such romantic fairy tales are bad for young women who are: "at greater risk of becoming victims of violent relationships in later life."
Well duh. I mean, Shrek II has already blown the lid off the whole Prince Charming thing. What worries me is what is blowing up the toads near Hamburg?
It could be this new form of rice that Japanese researchers have created, using (cue echoing scary voice) human DNA. They have inserted a gene from the human liver, which is excellent at digesting toxins. (Having a fondness for single-malt scotch, I can attest to this fact.) The idea is that the rice will be able to survive 13 different herbicides, and so increase crop yields. Even better, the new rice may be able to grow in polluted soil. Yay, that will taste really good!
Suspiciously, Prince Charles is against this new technology. "It smacks of cannibalism," he told the press in Britain, as he got a faraway look in his eye. "Lovely, lovely, cannibalism..."
Meanwhile, those toads are not exploding themselves!
Scientists are baffled by it. They have not ruled out the new cannibal rice, but suspect instead, a fungus or virus may be causing the "swelling, exploding, condition." Apparently, most of the toads afflicted are young females.
"It's more than a condition," environmentalist Johanne-Mary Grimm said, "toad entrails and body parts are flinging everywhere. It's disgusting."
I'm confident that very soon they will uncover the epicenter of this amphibian Armageddon -- a copy of Beauty and the Beast, playing on an infinite loop.
Fairy Tale Abuse | Cannibal Rice | Exploding toads
about mark | fiction
contact | archive
home
© 2004-2005 Mark A. Rayner
Powered by Greymatter
