The Skwib

We have a good one this week folks! Thanks to everyone for listening to my pleas and sending actual satire. Now, if we could get everyone represented below could link to the carnival as well, we’d really have something! (I will be paying attention.)

sweetpea has a report that Marilyn Manson Is Going Country. Will this radical career shift work? The lyrics say it all:

I guess I was a little high.
I guess you are a little dead.
Sorry that I did some acid
And drove the John Deere over your head.

Allen in Fort Worth found this ancient sacred text while rummaging through a trash heap behind Al Gore’s ridiculously large Tennessee mansion : The Creation According To Saint Albert

In related news, Kevin Colby has learned the Government plans to mandate breathing mask to stop release of CO2.

Did you know peak oil is killing NASA too? The Free-Ass. Press has the story: Astronauts Hardest Hit By High Gas Prices.

lordsomber has this disturbing take on “lifestyle products”: Service, Commitment, Sacrifice: The SetUp™.

James Logan relates his adventure at the Californian DMV .

Madame X has this look at the publishing industry and a Sneak Peek at Future Book Projects .

Homework. Dinner. Life. is less than impressed with the manly art of grilling.

And in the one single, grudgingly allowed non-satire slot, Matthew Boyd reviews a satirical video game: Sailing away with “Harpooned.” Nicely finessed Matthew!

And that’s it for the 102nd edition. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you poke around a bit. Here too. Thanks to the DogfromSpace for the pic.

Technorati tags: carnival of satire, satire, humor, humor.

Oh my freakin’ God, our brains are hard-wired to speak like Yoda.

For those of us in Western cultures who are familiar with the subject-verb-object construction of language (”I drink wine. ” “You swill gin.” “Undergrads chug beer.”) new research from the University of Chicago will blow your mind.

Susan Goldin-Meadow, a linguistic psychologist, and her team asked their subject to play charades, miming scenes on a computer screen.

As it turns out, this kind of non-verbal communication is constructed more like languages such as Turkish or Korean, which use the subject-object-verb construction. (”I wine drink.” “You gin swill.” “Undergrads beer regurgitate.”)

According to the New Scientist: “Goldin-Meadow argues that this kind of sentence syntax might therefore be etched into our brains. Languages that veer away from this form, such as English, must have been influenced by cultural forces.”

Incidentally, Goldin-Meadow and her team also discovered that we have an inherent loathing of mimes, and that all games of charades lead to the development of one of the players becoming a “charade Nazi” — forcing everyone else to continue playing until he gets one right. (Guilty.)

You charade Nazis will find at humor-blogs and alltop. You New Scientist story read here.

You probably get a lot of funny looks when you employ that adjective.

Some of the looks are from borderline homophobes, who believe that you’d have to be a little too effeminate to be interested in men’s clothing. You can ignore them and their loafer-lightening prejudices.

A large contingent will not know what you mean, or are your fellow-travelers: pseudo intellectuals who falsely believe that ’sartorial’ has something to do with Jean Paul Satre, and his existential philosophy. The funny look you’re seeing from the them is a simulacrum of understanding, masking their confusion.

The last group will know that many people will not understand the word. They are looking at you strangely because they think you’re a pretentious wanker.

You will find an hirsute, out-of-work intergalactic overlord with questionable tastes in his own clothes among that latter crowd.

Next time: If I use the word simulacrum, does that make me a pretentious wanker?

You will find nary a pretentious wanker here, nor even a simulacrum of one here.

Dan Rather Presents: Not all Canadians say “eh” (only slide)

• Met this fellow in Quebec City
• He never said “eh”
• (He did say “wa-eih” a lot though)
• But never “eh”.

Pat Buchanan-ah-na-na-na-na-hey-hey Presents: The Canadian Conspiracy: Canuck Comedy Commissars (only slide)

• They have socialized medicine.
• It’s socialized!
• Just like their comedy!

US Drug Czar presents: Canada — North American Weed-Crazy Bastards (only slide)

• They want to legalize pot!
• Civilization will end if they legalize pot!
• Seriously, the same thing happened to the Romans with torture … Never mind.

Ex-Ambassador to Canada David Wilkins presents: Those canoe-paddling, beaver-loving, rye-tippling, 5% beer-swilling, poutine-eating, Mountie-loving, Tim Horton’s coffee-drinking, soft-headed, liberal, multi-cultural promoting, fifth-column-enabling Canadians (only slide)

• Did you know their national animal is a beaver? You know? According to the Romans, those criters bite off their own …
• Well, like we say back home in South Carolina:
  “I din’t have a pair of shoes ’till I was 10, but I was never a communist.”

This is an oldie, but I wanted to post something in honour of Canada Day tomorrow. Now if this insanity is not enough for you, you might want to check out the Carnival of the Insanities, or these collections of blogs, which are short a few pixels.

The Battle of Waterloo

Napoleon Bonaparte is an iconic character, not only because he was short, wore a silly hat, and had enough pirate brothers to conquer most of Europe, but because he is the only person in history to meet his Waterloo actually at Waterloo. (The rest of us tend to meet it in boardrooms, law courts, amateur beard-growing competitions, and if you’re English, in Surrey.) Had Napoleon won the Battle of Waterloo, civilization would be quite different. For starters, there wouldn’t be 2,050,000 results on Google for the term “French surrender” (there would only be 2,049,999.) Also, we would all eat a lot more snails.

But Napoleon did not win the battle. Later his opponent, the Duke of Wellington (also famed for rendering beef completely inedible and known as “Sally” to his friends), described the fighting as: “The nearest run thing you ever saw in your life,” which was Sally’s way of saying Napoleon almost won. To add insult to injury, Napoleon’s famed Imperial Guard — the closest thing the French Army had to crack assault pirates — ran away:

My pirate brothers and sisters include Captain Stanky and Rank Ol’ Pete.

What kind of question is that? What kind of nut-job describes themselves as a fascist, even if they are? (I mean, apart from the original Fascists, who were definitely a few bananas short of a bunch.)

Actually, I would describe myself as a committed proponent of democracy — when I’m not in power, that is, heh, heh.

Seriously, if you want to take over and become the Supreme Ruling Chimp (and you don’t have an intergalactic war fleet brimming with angry gorilloids wearing high-impact body armor and fezzes) you need to be able to manipulate an election or two.

So you are a fascist.

No, I’m an intergalactic conqueror and advice columnist. Some day, I may become a Great Leader who will save the frustrated middle class from a nebulous group of “others”, which is somehow inferior to us regular chimps and yet, powerful enough to control our society and oppress us. Yah, I am your bow-legged monkey savior!

Next time: I’ve just spilled really hot coffee in my lap — is this what they mean by “global warming”?

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are two of the essential bananas in my bunch.

Squire:
What do you mean by SLEPT?

Man:
Mooooooh, ay?. You know Squire. SLEPT.

Squire:
As in: had sexual intercourse.

(pause)

Man:
Uh, yes. I suppose that is the technical term for it.

Squire:
(pedantically)
And do you know, precisely, what that entails?

(pause)

Man:
I’m sorry?

Squire:
Have you any idea what actually happens?

Man:
Mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
[makes rude gesture]

Squire:
Yes, yes, I see what you’re doing there, but do you know what it means?

(pause)

Man:
Well, uh, no. Not actually. It’s quite embarrassing, really, a man of my age–

Squire:
Would you like me to show you?

Man:
What, with your wife?

Squire:
If you’re into that sort of thing. I mean, it’s not like you’ve got a wife we could swap.

Man:
Uh…

Squire:
(mimicking)
You are interested in sport, no? You did indicate a certain … shall we say lascivious interest in sport?

(pause)

Man:
Look mate, I was just trying to see if you could –

Squire:
Tell you about sport–

Man:
With LADIES.

Squire:
Well, yes, with ladies. What did you think I meant?

(pause)

Man:
I dunno Squire. I got worried, you know. Your tone. It got a little menacing there for a moment. And, I mean … bowler hat an all, I thought you might have gone to a public school –

Squire:
Everything I learned I learned at Eton!

Man:
Well, I think I’d best be pushin’ on…

Squire:
That’s the spirit! Shall I tell the wife to prepare for us?

[Man leaves hurriedly, knocking over table, spilling pints in process.]

Squire:
(looking wistful)
Someday, Georgie-boy. Someday.

And now for something completely different, the original:

There is nothing derivative about humor-blogs, though one may wonder about alltop. You can find a transcript of the original sketch here.

Research now confirms what I’ve always suspected.

Women may say they want their men to be open, kind and loving, but in reality, it pays to be a little more evil.

Two recent studies show that men with the “dark triad” of personality traits, have much greater success at “short-term mating” (which is how a scientist describes gettin’ some.) What are the “dark triad?” According to the New Scientist, they are: ” the self-obsession of narcissism; the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behavior of psychopaths; and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism.”

Okay gents, if you exhibit these traits all the time, eventually, you’ll find yourself getting tar-and-feathered, sent to prison, or becoming the leader of your country. It’s all a matter of degree. However, if you have just a bit of these naughty and let’s face it — extremely sexy behaviors — then you’ll find yourself doing much better with the ladies.

Peter Jonason at New Mexico State University, who headed one of the studies, likens this set of traits (set to “low evil”) to James Bond: “He’s clearly disagreeable, very extroverted and likes trying new things - killing people, new women. Just as Bond seduces woman after woman, people with dark triad traits may be more successful with a quantity-style or shotgun approach to reproduction, even if they don’t stick around for parenting. The strategy seems to have worked. We still have these traits,” Jonason says.

Of course, this is a short-term strategy for spreading genetic material (that’s how a scientist describes busting a nut) and does not guarantee a successful long-term relationship. So all the dark triad blokes are going to end up as that creepy old guy sitting at the pub, telling young women he used to be in the SAS and can kill a man with one punch.

Now if only someone would do a study explaining why women dig the evil triad so much.

The dark triad here at The Skwib are Insanity, Godlessness and humor. Twice. You can find the New Scientist story here.

Severely.

On Planet Neecknaw, the original lifespan of the average Neecknabian was similar to the average for your chimpanzees, 40-45 years or so.

Is that on a diet of bananas or not?

You make any more banana jokes and you’ll discover why Genteelia VI calls me The Merciless Kang, Pain-of-Ingrown-Toenail Giver.

Now, when you know that you’ve only got 40 years to get something accomplished, you tend to get on it. So, on all of the planets I’ve conquered — which is legion — I install a strict no-procrastination policy, enforced appropriately.

Appropriately?

You should sound worried. On Marceauvia XII, which is inhabited by a race multi-brachial mime people, we discovered that they were particularly fearful of tickling. So if a mime was found pretending to be in a box, or walking against a strong wind, I had one of my uber-chimps tickle them until they got back on task. (Usually building monuments to my greatness.)

So what should I do?

All you need to do is tell me what you fear most, and I will put an anti-procrastination regimen together for you.

No, that’s okay. I’m motivated now.

Works every time.

Next time: What is the best approach of making first contact with a race that thinks of your species as food?

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop both think of The Skwib as a light snack.

Greg Merrick has discovered the negative effects of video games are quite unambiguous: Video Games Causing Many Older Americans to Think They’re Wizards, Fairies

Madeleine Begun Kane wonders (in limerick form) Is Olbermann Turning Into O?Reilly?

Sammy Benoit relates the news that CONDI RICE Announced a Mid-East Peace Solution: NO SEX FOR JEWS !

Is it time for a Bloggers Bill of Rights? Kevin Brink makes the case.

sweetpea presents Sex and the City Weekend.

AJ has alarming news buried in this article: Breaking News: Obama Chooses Pastor for VP!.

Skip DeKades presents Clinton Pledges to Be Altruistic Autocrat.

And in the non-satire slot, Jon Rochetti has the Photo of the Week - Hillary Tees…3 for $10.

And that’s it for the 101st edition. I can’t help but note the fierce competition for that one single slot of non-satire that I include with the carnival, so my advice is to submit satire. If you’re stilll wondering what satire is, my take on it is written here. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you poke around a bit. Here too. A special thanks to negatendo for the humorous illustration.

Technorati tags: carnival of satire, satire, humor, humor.

Unlike many other health studies, which indicate the long list of bad behaviours, addictions and quasi-illegal activities that make up my day-to-day activities will likely kill me, or at least, turn me into a brain-craving zombie (though we prefer “formerly living person”), there was good news out of the Autonomous University of Madrid yesterday. (Not to be confused with the Autoerotic University of Madrid.)

It turns out that coffee is not a killer, and if you drink enough of it, that morning java may actually extend your life. You heard me right! Something that tastes good and gives you a buzz could lengthen your lifespan.

According to the New Scientist:

“The study tracked 129,000 men and women over two decades. It found that people who consumed several cups of coffee every day were less likely to die of heart disease than those who shied away from the stuff. Heart disease is an umbrella term for conditions including heart attacks, stroke, and arrhythmia.”

Woo-hoo! But the usual caveats apply. Don’t start an IV drip of the stuff or drinking coffee instead of sleeping. Be sensible people.

I’m sure there will be more studies, such as the one that showed coffee turns you into a pussy, but I’ll take the any news that allows me to maintain my degenerate lifestyle when I can get it.

Humor-blogs.com drinks just enough to keep their edge, while Alltop is clearly working with some other substance. You can find the full New Scientist story at their site.

The beautiful and talented Isabella Rossellini has created a series of short films explaining the sex life of a variety of creatures in the bug world, called Green Porno. Here is one from the perspective of the male spider, so all you arachnophobes might not want to click on the play button, unless your and S&M kind of arachnophobe, which would be quite appropriate: