The Skwib

Whatsit 2.0 had been so popular that Dr. Tundra did not waste any time getting started on 3.0. It would be ready by the next quarter.

And then there was the new Danglybit PX he was working on. If he could capture the men’s market and the women’s market at the same time, his practice would grow ten-fold. No, a hundred times!

And the best part was that there was little actual surgery. Most of the enhancements were based on a combination of chemistry and “gentle” electrical stimulation. Yes, they were painful, but quite a bit cheaper than standard surgical interventions.

Did Dr. Tundra wonder why so many people wanted to alter their genitalia?

Not at all; he had re-grown his foreskin during medical school, just to see if he could. And besides, people should be allowed to do whatever they wanted, right? As long as it didn’t hurt anyone else.

Though, the extension he’d done on Mr. Johnson, using the old Danglybit 4.0 program was a bit on the radical side. Still, it was up to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson how they used the added dimensions.

Inspired by:
Globe & Mail Story: Designer Vaginas [actual headline] | More Naughty-looking Closeups of Flowers [like the one at the top of this post]

Share

Bob Johnson was never going to understand the intricacies of the HR field, at least, not the way it was practiced at the Good Humor Corporation.

They’d hired him to sell ice cream to kids. He was good at it, a master soda jerk. Bob had served seven tours of duty at the Peasquaddy Ice Cream and Soda Emporium, through all kinds of heat waves, ice shortages and numerous frozen-treat fads. (He was still talking with his therapist about the awful ten days of the Liver Frappe madness.)

There was practically nothing he couldn’t handle when it came to selling ice cream and soda.

So why the hell were they making him service their time machine?

Find other talented jerks at humor-blogs.com and alltop. And … Live from New York, the incredibly mental Carnival of the Insanities!

Share

It was a typical Monday for Ivan, Drone (first class) of the Galactic Space Forces, C Troop. Muster after a breakfast of space-gnoort porridge, and then a briefing on the day’s activities.

In the middle of the briefing, exciting news came over the ansible and was relayed to C Troop. Those damn rebels had been tracked down (finally) and today there would be fighting. They would be manning one of the blaster batteries, which was not in tip top condition.

Two rows behind Ivan, Boris was wondering what they’d be serving for lunch.

Ivan had other things on his mind. He was pretty sure that he didn’t like the sound of “radiation seepage.” And there was something funny about that Darth fellow too.

You may also be interested in the “seepage” from this list and this.

Share

Absolutely!

I can’t tell you how thrilling it is to watch toned athletes throw themselves at the events. It’s really hard to pick my favorite, because they’re all such great fun and the level of athleticism being demonstrated by the contestants is nothing short of awe-inspiring. But I think if I had to choose I would have to go with the qualifying event with the “big balls.”

Big balls?

Yes, gigantic inflated red balls, which the athletes have to run over top of, but invariably, they can’t. It really lives up to the motto: Citius, Altius Ac Festivius. (Swifter, Higher and Funnier).

We have a similar tradition on my homeworld of Neecknaw, except instead of falling into muddy water, the contestants fall into Coulrotrophic Gelatin infested with Laughing Beetles from Trigiggle Six. And instead of colorful rubber balls, we use the skulls of our defeated enemies (but covered with coconut oil).

I was talking about the Olympics, not Wipeout

Oh, the Olympics. That’s the game show with people running and swimming, right? Yeah, they really need to spice that up. I’d add cheetahs and pumas to the track events and imagine how much more thrilling all those diving events would be if the pool was filled with piranhas!

Next time: If I nudged a black hole close enough to put the Earth in its event horizon, would that make the summer last longer?

Thrilling humor athletics are also available at humor-blogs.com and alltop. You can see those big balls in action here.

Share

Sometimes, love just isn’t enough, and sometimes it leads us astray. Dereck shares a touching good-bye note to a Dear Cubicle.

Speaking of heart-felt good-byes, Madeleine Begun Kane has another kind of My “Dear John” Letter.

GrrlScientist loves dinosaurs, and was inspired by the recent unveiling of the Tarbosaurus in Japan to created this cartoon of a Vintage Blasphemy .

Sustainable Blogger believes Google has the solution to Wikichaos in: Google Knol: A return to order.

Aprameya has an elementary parody of Holmes and Watson.

Politics

Free-Ass. Press has the scoop on McCain’s breakthrough announcement of his Walking Mate.

Don, CEO of Donco, has a better solution for who to elect as the next US President in: Obama - McCain. The Choice is Clear.

But what kind of prayer would Don, CEO of Donco, leave at the Wailing Wall? Allen in Fort Worth has the actual text of Barack Obama’s Prayer At The Western Wall In Jerusalem.

Sammy Benoit presents Barack Obama’s UNPUBLISHED Energy Solutions.

Satire Patch presents A ROMAN BARACK OBAMA?

In this edition’s non-satire slot, Rickey Henderson relates the adventure of his beard in this poignant post, Farewell, Whiskers of Glory. Don’t worry, he still has the cheesy stache.

And to take us out on with a touch of the old video, GrrlScientist unearthed this gem: The Canadians Apologize to America. It may be a little old, but the sentiments remain the same:

And that’s it for the 104th edition. I think we’ll be moving to a monthly schedule from here on out. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you poke around a bit. Here too.

Technorati tags: carnival of satire, satire, humor, humor.

Share

Warning: certain parts of this blog post may make you feel extremely squiffy.

Intrepid researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands have discovered a way to make you feel like throwing up in your mouth — a lot.

Mbemba Jabbi and colleagues are interested in knowing if reading about something can cause you to feel a realistic emotion. Previous studies have shown the same regions of the brain that are activated when we experience a strong emotion such as delight, pain or disgust are activated when we watch someone experience the emotion. And as it turns out, the anterior insula and adjacent frontal operculum, (known to hipster neurologists as the IFO and generally acknowledged as the sexiest part of the brain) are also ignited like a million tiny pinpricks of putrescence when we read.

The sadistic Dutch researchers decided to focus on the emotion of disgust, presumably because it was cheaper and easier to gross people out than make them feel good (they revered to it as the “Jackassilization Effect”).

After placing quinine and dog turds on the tongues of the 12 grad students who “volunteered” for the experiments — the disgusting taste definitely lit up the sexy IFO — they moved onto prose. Their selected text (and no, it wasn’t one of Dr. Tundra’s lesser known ramblings about his last peyote bender), also caused them to be disgusted, especially Jan (pronounced Yawn, which is exactly what he did in Technicolor). Now, for the titillation of your own IFO, you can experience the very same text:

You turn around because someone is leaning on your shoulder, suddenly looking into the open mouth of a drunken beggar… you see his rotten teeth, surrounded by pustulant sores, while he suddenly releases the reeking content of his stomach all over you… You feel your stomach turn over as you suddenly feel the acidic taste of a clump of his vomit on your lips.

According to the New Scientist: “The team suspects that reading about delight or pain also activates similar converging networks in the brain. ” I’ve already sent in my note to volunteer for the “delight” experiments, because I’ve heard the “real life” tests will be held in Amsterdam.

Sources of prose delight can be found at humor-blogs.com and alltop, and a very fine collection of other craziness that may evoke an emotional response is available at the Carnival of the Insanities.

Share

When Charlie hired on to Doctor Machinica’s Traveling Hospital for Female Hysteria, he had no idea what he was getting himself into. He certainly didn’t know anything about The Device.

The Doctor was a respectable-looking fellow, if a bit short of stature and brawn (except for his unnaturally thick right forearm, which looked like it was twice the size of his left). He dressed in natty tweed suits, even during the hottest months of summer. And his narrow face always had an expression of curiosity on it, even if his eyes were obscured by thick glasses.

Charlie had left the farm, hoping to find excitement in the big city, but so far he’d only found poverty and pollution. So, when he heard the Doctor was hiring a workman for his practice, he was full of hope that it would be a great break for him.

“Basically, your job is to maintain The Device — don’t worry, I’ll show you everything you need to know — and the most important part of that will be to keep the damned thing powered while I’m administering the Cure to our patients,” Doctor Machinica told him on his first day.

The Device was steam-powered, so Charlie’s main concern was to ensure that it didn’t run out of coal while the Doctor did his work. Until their first appointment, he couldn’t quite figure out what the machine did, but it appeared to be some kind of steam-driven wand with a large bulbous end that made a loud buzzing noise and vibrated excessively.

The machine required constant coaling, so Charlie had to be in the room with the Doctor and the patient while the Cure was administered. But … the Cure for what?

On the day he started, their first patient was a charming and well-bred lady from the better part of town; unfortunately, Mrs. MacReady suffered from “female hysteria”. As the machine came up to full power, the Doctor administered what he called a “pelvic massages”, which produced what he later described to Charlie as “hysterical paroxysm”.

Charlie still blushed with the memory of what MacReady had said to Doctor Machinica during her “paroxysms”; he became even more agitated, while riding to their next appointment, when the Doctor told him: “I thank God every day for this machine, Charlie. I used to have to do that manually.”

Charlie didn’t say so, but he thought he might be willing to give it a try — that is, if The Device ever broke down.

Inspired by:
Female hysteria, pelvic massage and the “hysterical paroxysm”: Victorian medical vibrators [wiki]

For paroxysms of a less prurient nature, check out humor-blogs.com and alltop.

Share

SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

The Skwib Update:

SELFISH, adj. Being assertive.

More updates are available. Non-assertive types at humor-blogs.com and alltop.

Share

Yes, yes you could.

You could be a female chimp of a certain age and inclination, and you could be in deep, chattering, pheromone-rich estrus.

But I suspect you’re actually asking, how could you be more sexy –

No, I’m asking it kind of rhetorically, actually. Sort of like the way Chandler might

What kind of nimrod asks a rhetorical question of an advice columnist? And who the hell is Chandler?

No don’t answer you hairless skin-sack, THAT was rhetorical too. How do you like it? Not so much I bet. Could you BE more of a fully bipedal over-craniumed wanker?

I will answer your question: think before you say something. Most people don’t find gross stupidity very appealing.

Next time: You seem like a very angry individual, yet you’ve been remarkably successful in your profession. How do you manage your all-encompassing simian rage and a career?

More laughable hominid rage available at humor-blogs.com and alltop.

Share

The carnival will be delayed for a week, due to my overwhelming desire to enjoy melon.

That’s no melon!

Share

Clearly, this woman did not get the memo about how our joints are supposed to work. I love the way this video transits from “replete with erotic possibilities” to “disturbing” so quickly. The Kenny G. playing in the background really helps this transition.

Video here too.

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are also strangely flexible. Tip of the hat to One for the Road for finding this freaky gem.

Share

BEIJING, CHINA (The Skwib) — In the lead-up to the opening ceremonies, the Beijing Olympic Committee unveiled one final demonstration sport for the 2008 Summer Olympiad.

Administrative Detention Triathlon promises to be an exciting new sport which combines the “sweet science” of boxing with the Greco-Roman thrills of wrestling and the Orwellian logic of the Beijing Olympics.

“Is more exciting than Tibetan Dissident Biathlon or even Hu Flung Falongong,” a Beijing Olympic Committee source told The Skwib.

As in any multi-sport event, the “athletes” will have several events in which they’ll compete. First off, they will have to run through the streets of Beijing. How long is up to them, really, but when they stop or are caught — whichever comes first — that’s when the next event begins. (Note: most of the “athletes” who plan to compete in this event have been training in some of the most polluted environments available — Mexico City, Los Angeles and Rush Limbaugh’s underpants — thought it is worth noting that the Chinese competitors have been working out in Linfen, Shanxi Province.)

So assuming the competitors manage to survive the breathing difficulties of Beijing’s “blue skies”, they will eventually be caught, when the next event starts. The host country has gallantly volunteered its “police services” to help with this event, in which the competitors are “made to see the light” and “shown the error of their ways.”

Inevitably, the competitors will find themselves shackled, and then they’ll be whisked away to an un-named location where a court of International Olympic Committee (IOC) functionaries will put the demonstrators — I mean competitors — under house arrest. If they logged really good times, they’ll be sent to IOC headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland, where they will begin their “re-education.” (No doubt this includes a regimen of punctuality, yodeling and doing nasty things for money.)

Note: the smart money is on the Chinese team, though the Algerian, Egyptian, Syrian and US teams are also expected to do well. Canada is not fielding a full team, though several Metis from Winnipeg are expected to compete.

Funny? Outrageous? You tell us.

For readers who’ve only discovered The Skwib in the past couple of years, you may have missed the series we’ve done on the Beijing Olympic Mascots, and a number of demonstration sports planned for Beijing this summer. We will be running them again this week, just in case.

Related articles:

• China has only made minor progress in human rights (Deutch Welle)
• Websites China is blocking (includes The Skwib)
• Sponsors walking away from the Olympics

Top Five Sponsors to Ignore During the Olympics:

• Coke
• McDonald’s
• GE
• Johnson & Johnson
• Nike.

Also spotted practicing for this one: predator press, humor-blogs.com and alltop.

Share