The Unification of the Theories of Drinking and the Lizard
(mathematical proof and FAQ follow)
Principal Researchers: The Squires Rayner (with the scientific assistance and moral support of Dr. Maximilian Tundra, The Dude, Dr. Paul Suttie, and the members of the Emily Chesley Reading Circle
Study completed: May, 1999
Drinking Scale* |
Nomen- |
Log Scale Results |
pint #1 |
The Primer |
no discernable effects |
pint #2 |
The "Hankering" |
you want to drink more |
drinks #3-5 |
The Hammer |
you are now drunk you should not drive you will have trouble ceasing the "Inebriation" |
drinks #6-7 |
The Inebriation |
monkey is peeping under the corners of your superego |
drinks #8-12 |
The Wedge |
you have now separated the ego from the super ego monkey is free! |
drinks #13-23 |
The Sledge |
monkey is now MIA the Lizard is in the driver's seat |
drink #24 |
The Icthyolization |
you have now incapacitated the Lizard. Luckily, you still have the Fish to keep you alive. Hopefully someone will turn you onto your stomach |
drink #25+ |
The Mourning |
your friends and relations mourn your passing and say in their best Irish accents: |
*Beaufort-style scale on boozologist's equations of body weight, liver size and endurance, plus time scale. (Not to exceed ten hours in this case.) A mixologist was consulted in the weighing of this scale.
What "they" are saying about the Unification Theory:
"A truly worthy contribution to the field; dare I venture to say, a landmark? (Obviously the full establishment of this latter status will depend on years of verification work at major research gatherings around the world; but whatever the final details there is a set of concepts here -- the wedge-sledge sequence struck me as a particularly important and indeed inspired addition -- whose utility one can scarcely doubt: surely these terms will be appealed to with some regularity by practitioners exploring the complex and fraught territory at the middle to upper end of the scale, where [as in quantum limit experiments, though for different reasons] the very concept of a controlled experiment tends to break down)."
Dr. Paul Suttie, certified boozologist
Unification FAQWhy was there no Unification Theory until now? Why didn't Michael Flannigan invent it? -You tool. Everyone knows that Michael Flannigan died before Freud came up with his wacky theories. Then why didn't Einstein come up with this? -Cretin. Einstein was too busy teasing his hair. Besides, he didn't have the math. [paraphrasing Sir Johann Eisenbach – says Mike Rayner: "yeah, people forget about Einstein. He sucked in math . . . relatively speaking."] Then why not Freud? -Imbecile. Because he was too busy saying clever things such as: "sometimes a cigar is only a cigar." How does this affect me? -Only an idiot would ask a question like that. Now you know where you are in your evening, both on an alcoholic level and on the scale of Lizard. But doesn't it really depend on how the "Beaufort-style scale works"? And where is your "mathematical proof"? -Bugger off. |